Breaking free from people pleasing tendencies
Welcome in and get comfy. I have a few questions for you...
Do you find yourself often prioritizing other people’s needs, which mean yours get left behind?
Do you say that you’ll make time for yourself soon, but that time never really comes?
Do you find yourself say ‘yes, sure I'll do that’, when inside you’re thinking ‘this is the last thing I want to do!’
If this is the case you are certainly not alone. People-pleasing tendencies are a behavioural pattern where we seek to gain approval and avoid conflict, often at the expense of our own wellbeing and authenticity.
Now of course it is such a beautiful quality to be always thinking about others, to be empathetic to what other’s needs are, and generous and loving in serving other people. But sometimes excessive people pleasing can lead to consequences that don’t ultimately serve you, and it can lead to a feeling of neglecting your own desires, wants and aspirations. You may even feel frustration and resentment and lose touch with what truly brings you joy and fulfilment.
People-pleasers may also experience burnout and emotional exhaustion due to their relentless efforts to meet everyone else's expectations. The fear of disappointing others can create a constant state of stress and anxiety, leading to a diminished sense of self-worth.
In this article, we will explore practical strategies to break free from people-pleasing and reclaim control over your life - finding ways where you can fill up your own cup first, so you’re then able to pour into other peoples.
Get to know your values and what is really important to you
Take time to reflect on your core values and what truly matters to you. Understand that your needs and desires are valid and important. When you make decisions aligned with your values, you build a sense of authenticity and fulfillment.
There are lots of tools that can help you identify your values,. Here is one free online tool you may find useful as a starting point. Remember that values are not necessarily constant, they can change and evolve over time.
Once you have a clearer idea of your values you could write them down, and keep them in a visible place, to keep them fresh in your mind. You can then reflect on them when you’re in decision making mode, and can help you to not lose sight of your own values and needs.
Setting and holding boundaries
Learning to set boundaries is essential for reclaiming your time and energy.
Start by identifying areas where you tend to overextend yourself or say yes when you'd rather say no.
Really interrogate these things, and see if you can identify which ones you can push back on? Which can delegate to someone else? Which ones could you start saying no to altogether? Are you seeing any patterns?
It can be hard to set and maintain boundaries to begin with, so you can start small, and you’ll gain confidence along the way. You can also write down all the things that you’ll be able to say YES to, when you say NO to certain things, and this will help you to stay motivated and recognising the benefits.
Practice Assertive Communication
Assertive communication is a powerful tool in breaking free from people-pleasing. Being able to express your thoughts, feelings, and preferences openly and honestly without fear of judgment can have a huge impact in breaking free from those people pleasing tendencies. This will also have huge positive impact for your relationships and foster mutual respect.
This can be nerve-wracking if we’re out of practice with this, and so take your time in building up this muscle. One thing that can really help is, before going into a conversation where you need to set, or maintain your boundaries, you can visualise the conversation.
This is like having a practice dress rehearsal of the conversation in your brain. You can take some time to really imagine how this conversation will go in a brilliantly positive way;- what you will say, how you will be feeling, and how you’ll get the outcome that you want. Visualisation techniques have been proven to have a direct impact on performance and help minimise feelings of nervousness.
Enjoy and celebrate yourself!
Celebrate when you have made a decision that puts your own needs before others. And enjoy what that brings you. What are you able to do now that you said no to that other thing? What benefits does it bring you? How does it bring you closer to you values? Really acknowledging and celebrating these moments can help you feel motivated to keep doing this into the future.
As you embark on the journey moving away from these unhelpful people pleasing powers, remember that prioritizing yourself is not selfish; it is an act of self-compassion. By nurturing your own needs, you become better equipped to support others authentically and sustainably, without putting your own physical and mental wellbeing on the line.
It’s certainly an ongoing process, and takes repetition and practice, but slowly but surely you’ll be able to start putting yourself and your own needs first, and enjoying all the benefits that brings to you and those around you!