The Fierce Side of Self-Compassion
Research shows that self-compassion plays a huge role in our psychological well-being. According to Kristen Neff (2009), higher levels of self-compassion are linked to increased feelings of happiness, optimism, curiosity and connectedness, as well as decreased anxiety, depression, rumination and fear of failure.
There are lots of ways we can be compassionate towards ourselves during times of need. Often the most common form of self-compassion that people think about is the nurturing side of self-compassion. This is about comforting ourselves, soothing, offering validation to our feelings. It’s about self-kindness to be caring and understanding with ourselves rather than being harshly critical or judgmental. Here the focus is on being with ourselves.
AND there is a whole other side to self-compassion that we often overlook - fierce self-compassion. Fierce self-compassion is about acting in the world. It’s about being protective, providing for our needs, and motivating ourselves.
Self-compassion also involves the desire for our health and wellbeing, and research shows that it is associated with greater personal initiative to make needed changes in our lives. If we are not berating ourselves when we fail, we are more able to admit mistakes, change our unhelpful behaviours and take on new challenges.
For example, think of a person who is experiencing burnout at work. This person might engage in nurturing self-compassion by running themselves a hot bath and playing relaxing music at the end of a long day, may be journalling to explore their feelings and emotions. However, they may also engage in fierce self-compassion by speaking to work about cutting down their current workload, and holding firm in protecting their boundaries to make sure they are no longer being overworked.
Here are some questions which you can use as journalling prompts to help you to explore these different aspects of self-compassion, and what actions you can do to cultivate your own self-compassion, both nurturing and fierce!
Think of something that you are finding hard or challenging at the moment...
Nurturing self-compassion:
Comforting: What is one thing that you can do to take care of your emotional needs?
Soothing: What is one thing that you can do to make yourself feel physically calmer and more at ease?
Validating: What is one thing that can you say to yourself to validate your feelings?
Fierce self-compassion:
Protecting: What is one thing that you can do to protect yourself from the harm that is coming to you from the external world, or from yourself?
Providing: What is one thing that you can do to give yourself what you really need?
Motivating: How can you motivate yourself with kindness, support, and understanding, rather than criticism
Of course there is no hierarchy in terms of these different areas of self-compassion, but it is useful to recognise that self-compassion has a fierce, protective and motivating side too, which we can often overlook. Making bold decisions to protect ourselves, and actions to provide what we need can be pivotal in changing our circumstances for the better.
Building on self-compassion is something that can be enhanced greatly through coaching. Through coaching conversations we can raise our awareness around what we are experiencing, overcome limiting beliefs and behaviours that may be holding us back, and create new mindsets, new habits and positive, sustainable changes in our lives. Coaching sessions also serve as a form of ongoing support and accountability.
If you’re interested to explore more about how coaching can support you to create the habits and life you want, reach out on the contact page, and I’d love to talk.