What if self-esteem is overrated?
When we think about what drives success in business and life, "self-esteem" often gets a lot of attention. After all, self-esteem is about believing we are worthy, valuable, and capable, right? It seems logical that the more we boost our self-esteem, the more confidence we’ll have to pursue our dreams.
But what if self-esteem isn't as helpful as we think? What if, instead of propelling us forward, it's actually holding us back?
Russ Harris, a leading voice in the Acceptance and Commitment Theory (ACT), suggests that self-esteem is overrated. In fact, he argues that it can become more of a trap than a tool for success. In his book The Happiness Trap, Harris explains that self-esteem is fundamentally a form of self-judgment—a measure of whether or not we are "worthy." And this brings with it a number of challenges that can hinder us in life and business.
The Self-Esteem Trap: Am I Worthy?
When we rely on self-esteem, we are constantly asking ourselves the question: Am I worthy? This means that we tie our sense of value and worthiness to external factors like achievement, approval, or even how we compare to others. The problem with this is that self-esteem fluctuates. On a good day, when everything is going well, we feel great—our self-esteem soars. But when things go wrong, when we make mistakes, face criticism, or fall short of our own expectations, self-esteem plummets. We begin to feel inadequate, and that sense of "unworthiness" can spiral into self-doubt and inaction.
As a result, self-esteem creates a cycle of judgment: if we're doing well, we judge ourselves as "good"; if we're struggling, we judge ourselves as "bad." This constant evaluation of our worth can feed into unhelpful patterns like perfectionism or people-pleasing, both of which are common struggles for business owners who are driven by passion but paralysed by self-doubt.
So, if self-esteem isn't the answer, what is?
The Power of Self-Acceptance
The key to freeing yourself from the trap of self-esteem is to shift your focus from self-judgment to self-acceptance.
Self-acceptance, as proposed by Harris, is a far healthier and more sustainable approach to how we relate to ourselves. Instead of constantly judging whether or not we are "worthy," self-acceptance invites us to acknowledge and embrace all parts of ourselves—the good, the bad, the messy, and the imperfect. It’s not about giving ourselves a free pass or ignoring our flaws; rather, it’s about recognising that our worth doesn’t depend on external validation or constant achievement. We are worthy simply because we are.
I’ll say that again.
We are worthy simply because we are.
Here’s why self-acceptance is a game changer for your mindset, and especially for running a business:
It breaks the cycle of self-judgment
When we move away from the mindset of "I am good when I achieve, and bad when I fail," we free ourselves from the endless rollercoaster of highs and lows. Self-acceptance allows us to show up for ourselves with kindness and compassion, even when things don’t go as planned. We no longer need to prove our worth through results, which liberates us to take risks, experiment, and iterate without the fear of failure damaging our sense of self.It helps us take action, even when we feel uncertain
Self-acceptance means we can move forward, even when we don’t feel our best. Self-esteem often requires us to feel confident before we act, but in reality, confidence grows through action. Self-acceptance allows us to acknowledge our doubts, fears, and insecurities, while still choosing to move forward. You don’t have to wait until you "feel good enough" to start that new project or reach out to that client. With self-acceptance, you understand that discomfort is a normal part of growth.It supports emotional resilience
In business, setbacks are inevitable. Self-esteem can be fragile in the face of failure, but self-acceptance builds resilience. When you accept yourself fully, you are better equipped to handle rejection, mistakes, and criticism. You can recognize that these challenges don’t define your worth. Instead of internalising failure as a reflection of your value, you can view it as an opportunity to learn and grow.It aligns with your values, not your ego
When we rely on self-esteem, we tend to make decisions based on what will make us feel "worthy" or how we’ll be perceived by others (we often want everyone to like us right?). This can lead us away from our true values and goals. Self-acceptance, on the other hand, keeps us grounded in what truly matters to us. It allows us to stay aligned with our authentic needs, desires, and values—even when the external world doesn't validate us. This clarity helps us establish strong boundaries and make decisions from a place of inner conviction rather than a need for approval.
How to Cultivate Self-Acceptance in Your Business
If self-acceptance is so crucial for our mental well-being and business success, how do we cultivate it? Here are a few key practices to start with:
Practice mindful awareness
Notice when you are judging yourself. Catch the moments when you're labelling yourself as "good" or "bad" based on your performance or others' reactions. Instead of trying to suppress these thoughts, acknowledge them and let them pass without attaching to them.
Show yourself compassion
Treat yourself with the same kindness and understanding you would offer a close friend. When you make a mistake, instead of beating yourself up, remind yourself that it’s okay to be imperfect. You’re always learning and growing, and that is valuable in itself.
Realign with your values
Get clear on what really matters to you in your business. Is it about making a difference? Creativity? Authenticity? Stay connected to your core values and let them guide your decisions, instead of chasing external validation.
Take imperfect action
Instead of waiting until you feel confident or "good enough," take action from a place of self-acceptance. It’s okay to feel uncertain or afraid—just keep moving. Each small step forward will build your confidence over time.
In the end...
Self-esteem may seem like the key to success, but it’s a double-edged sword. When we place our worth in the hands of external achievements or approval, we risk getting stuck in self-judgment. But self-acceptance frees us from that cycle. It allows us to embrace who we are, as we are, and move forward in our businesses with clarity, resilience, and inner conviction.
By letting go of the need to constantly feel "worthy," we create space for something far more powerful: the freedom to take action, live authentically, and pursue our dreams with unwavering trust in ourselves.
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